"I believe I was simply in survival mode for twelve months."
One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the difficulties of being a father.
However the actual experience soon proved to be "completely different" to what he'd imagined.
Life-threatening health complications around the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was thrust into becoming her main carer in addition to caring for their newborn son Leo.
"I took on each nighttime feed, each diaper… each outing. The role of mother and father," Ryan stated.
Following eleven months he reached burnout. It was a chat with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he needed help.
The direct phrases "You are not in a good spot. You must get some help. How can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, ask for help and start recovering.
His situation is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While society is now more comfortable talking about the pressure on moms and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the difficulties fathers face.
'It's not weak to seek assistance
Ryan thinks his challenges are part of a broader inability to communicate amongst men, who still internalise negative notions of manhood.
Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."
"It's not a show of failure to request help. I failed to do that fast enough," he clarifies.
Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to admit they're struggling.
They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - particularly ahead of a new mother and infant - but she emphasises their mental health is just as important to the unit.
Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to take a pause - going on a few days overseas, outside of the family home, to see things clearly.
He realised he had to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's emotions in addition to the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.
When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she longed for" -physical connection and listening to her.
Reparenting yourself'
That realisation has transformed how Ryan sees fatherhood.
He's now penning Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older.
Ryan believes these will enable his son better understand the language of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.
The notion of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.
As a child Stephen lacked consistent male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" connection with his dad, long-standing emotional pain resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, making difficult their connection.
Stephen says suppressing feelings led him to make "poor actions" when in his youth to change how he felt, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as an escape from the hurt.
"You gravitate to substances that aren't helpful," he says. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."
Strategies for Managing as a New Dad
- Talk to someone - when you are swamped, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
- Keep up your interests - make time for the pursuits that helped you to feel like yourself before having a baby. Examples include playing sport, seeing friends or gaming.
- Pay attention to the physical health - eating well, physical activity and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mind is doing.
- Connect with other parents in the same boat - sharing their stories, the challenges, as well as the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
- Understand that requesting help does not mean you've failed - prioritising yourself is the optimal method you can support your loved ones.
When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the passing, having been out of touch with him for many years.
As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the safety and emotional guidance he did not receive.
When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings safely.
Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their pain, altered how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.
"I'm better… sitting with things and handling things," states Stephen.
"I expressed that in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I expressed, on occasion I believe my purpose is to guide and direct you how to behave, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering as much as you are through this experience."
