Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want another man to love me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just continue to have spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a American psychotherapist focusing on addressing intimacy issues.
